Singapore Trip

23th May 2006,

6.22pm Tues. 2 days back from Singapore. Basically the trip was really exciting and challenging. Working with Singaporean and getting to know their culture and environment, opens up my perspective. Singapore is a nice place to work- with it's systematic, fast pace and higher standrad environement.

I was attached to National Cencer Centre for a week. First day itself seem to be lonely, don't know much people, difficult to connect. Meet up with Olivia and Pentium, seen Pentium's wife. Got the news that Olivia is 4 months pregnant. Hmm...good to catch up. Life goes on, learning the system, learning the skill and technique. Getting to know what the Pharmacist in Sinpaore does. Very much motivating.

Did something brave- exploring Nite Safari on my own, shopping and venturing the area all by myself. Sometimes just feel, wah...am so tough- daring to explore lat night. Nothing much to share here- basically I'm not a person that love to travel and explore new things, I'm more the the homely type- but my job sometimes require me to travel for seminar. I don't mind travelling with frens but not alone. This trip has taught me to learn to enjoy the things I do alone. And probably yes, and I got to learn that. Sometimes, there are things that can be enjoyed doing alone, and there are some with frens.

At this season- I'm learning to handle loneliness. Yeah, Loneliness...I did shared with mum, sometimes, many times- there're this void, loneliness, just couldn't explain it. Never felt it before, it's more crucial at this season. Probably is the distance from God, distance from the fellowships...or it's normal, or is it normal natural thing that most people will surely go thru'...well, I really don't know. People said- Seek God, let God fills you, He complete the void and He satisfied. I understand that, I know...yet it isn't easy for me now. What should I do? How shoudl I positioning myself? Pray, just pray? Just pray..that's the only thing you can possibly do, wait on God, pray- open eye big big, and be yourself. Yeah...another: Delight yourself in the Lord for He will grant you the desire of your heart. That's the first thing to do, to delight in Him, to be satisfied in Him first, and seek Him first- then the rest be added...

Oh Lord, how far I've wander away from You- how far I've been running, and toasting and banging and falling, up and down. How long? How far? So many things Lord- I've gone off too far, can You still rescue me? Too many dirt, a filthy rags I am....how to delight in You Lord? Help me, rekindle that fire again.

Changi Airport...Going Back

20th May 2006,

It's Saturday 3pm, I'm at Changi Airport...has been a week in Singapore, what an experience. Wow, miss home, miss Malaysia. Singapore experience has been good, learn so much in NCC. Going a lot places- but all by myself, explore my own. Went to Nite Safari, coz everyone asked me to try..well, not bad, but...kinda dark, can't able to capture much picture there. They don't allow to snap with flash, but without flash picture can't be clear.

Experience in NCC is just priceless. I learned a lot on their system and workflow. They had 4 pharmcist, plus Lita will be 5's in Onco unit and another 4 more I guess is in Retail. The pharmacist there pretty busy, with a lot work...wow, I have a lot things in plan for my Onco Unit, hopefully I'll able to make use of what I learn and apply it and improve t in my setting...

Gee...got to get going, dun wanna miss flight. Talk soon. Will post many picture soon. Ta...

Love is in the Air..

9th May 2006,

6.10pm Tuesday evening. In the hospital- tomorrow Ms Tan on leave, I'll be bz. Nothing much to write in the blog. Another wedding just over- Jo's wedding, she's definately so blessed. Hmm...love is in the air, lovely lovely lovely. How is my love life progressing? Wondering- always like the wrong guy- it just doesn't work. One hand clapping don't make any sound. It just doesn't work- got to move on, just move on. Appreciate what is in front, treasure and enjoy the friendship around. Press on and not afraid to love again. Dance like no one is watching, and love as never get hurt.

Lonely but never alone. Take up the promises. Live up a purposeful life- enjoy the singleood. Trusting God will provide. Amen!

01-02-03-04-05-06

9th May 2006,

Wow, it's May. Time flies, indeed time flies. Recapturing back May 4th- I'm aging...Oh dear, I dislike thinking on my birthday approaching, yucks..I'm growing old :( sob sob. 01-02-03-04-05-06 is the countdown for me, but to be exact my birthday is 1.55am 4th of May 19xx...got to hide my birth-year hahaha....

I was on-leave that day. Went out morning 9am-7pm, first bought a newspaper- went to Mc-D, order my Mc-D breakfast and eat, and read...tadaaa...times up, 9.45am, cool..on my way to Prangin Mall. The shops still closed, and I'm just lepakking around the area, without plan, without focus, just loitering around. Then shops open- goodie goodie...shop shop, try this and that. Ooops, this is too tight, not good. Here, this is cool, I look gorgeous, spend spend spend. Then, reach eraing shop- yeah...:) I finally pierce my 2nd earlobe holes. Pain pain, but pretty pretty- looks wild. Cool. Then I went to Montage Hair Style at Pelita- hightlight hair, copper red, charge me RM125. Never ever spend that money on my hair...it's just a hair, why wanna spend so much? Wah...Shirley know how to pamper herself now. Looks cool, looks good.

That's my day. Spending, loitering, enjoying the exploration. Nite- Had dinner with the group- Roland, Marcus, Helena, Felix..my good buddy. Quite happy...

Nothing much also, a reflection of my 2x over years on the earth, how that I accomplished in this race that i run. Am I running well- the way I should be running, not beating the air, not in vain? Else the Christ death will be in vain- He paid the price for me, how should I live?

Home Alone

2th May 2006,

7.00pm Tuesday. Login for blogging. Just back from Fitness Studio. Doing threadmill and roller and cycling. Didn't really sweat. I think I sweat more in Hilton than this one. But it's okiela, Harvey accompany me there- he's thnking of joining, and asked me to join. But fees too high, RM120 a month, and to commit for 6 mths, I don't think I can afford. Even if I can afford, I don't think I will want to spend such money on gym, where exercise can actually do it naturally- hike or jog around, or swim. Sunnyville swimming pool only go once a while, not even once a month. Hmm...better not involve this, even tho' sort of tempting, when frens asked- to join and tone the muscle. Hmm...dunno lah. Getting fatter and fatter it seems, quite lazy and stale. Must find something challenging to do, or else will become piglet, stay home and eat and linger around- very not effective.

Mum has been away for few days, since last week, she'll be away for 10days, so 10 days I'll be home alone, sleeping in the queen size bed, cook on own, alone. Too used to mum being around me, don't seem to feel lonely without a partner, now...can sense the difference with her absence. Yeah...miss mum.

7.15pm, still in hospital- will go off after this blog. Go back not sure wht to eat, maybe will cook for myself spaghetti, yucks...that reminds me of the stories of the Pr. sermon. Pasta- wow, very rich. After workout eat again- how to loose weight? Hangat hangat tahi ayam only...aduh Shirley. Looking at the mirror, the reflection of Shirley- hmm....fatty fatty boom boom. Aduh, how how how- how to kill that fats? :( sucks. Got to increase my metabolism. Keep going Shirley, you can do it.

Home alone. Mum in Johor with sis, went to Singapore last 2 days. This moring conversation seems very interesting. Sister likes to travel- bringing mum around- Sentosa Island, Orchard Road, etc...wow, I not ven been to Singapore. Will be going out of Malaysia for the first time this coming 14th. Ohh....a bit scary tho' all alone, not so adventurous. Shirley Shirley- as if kampung girl masuk city only...aduh!...Hmm...hope things be good. Hmm, alright la, time's up. Going off now. Blessed day!

Covenantal Conspiracy

24th April 2006,

5.59pm Monday, after work, waiting for Procare to starting printing report, system too slow. Wonder the report printing will reduce the speed of the system. Gonna change system soon- can't wait, excited yet quite fearful- surely a lot of unexpected problems. Got to be ready for that. Today is okie, had dinner with Harvey- he belanja me eat Japanese food- more than a hundred ringgit bills. Sweet talker, I'm playing a fool with him, he challenge to pay registration for Fitness First Centre if I can consistently doing exercise there- can't believe what he said- cakap kosong- pretty unfruitful.

Charmine back from her long holidays, don't have the time to talk to her- she gonna resign soon, her last day will be 28th June, not sure how she's feeling. Magdalene should be doing well. Hope so, am always concious of how I have been as a boss to them- whether am doing well, or wht's the expectation of others on me. Yeah, talking about expectation- just a few days ago, a ffiend of mine just giving me some remarks on how I hv put high expectation on others. I admit that I do, and I learn from it, see through ones strength and not the weaknesses. Do to others how others do to you, am I wanting others to put expectation on me? If not, I should not have expect others.

Saturday service was great. Pr message was so strong- about the Covenantal Conspiracy, taken from Amos 8:11-14

11 "The days are coming," declares the Sovereign LORD, "when I will send a famine through the land—not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the LORD.
12 Men will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the LORD, but they will not find it.
13 "In that day "the lovely young women and strong young men will faint because of thirst.
14 They who swear by the shame [b] of Samaria, or say, 'As surely as your god lives, O Dan,' or, 'As surely as the god [c] of Beersheba lives'— they will fall, never to rise again."

It struck my heart. We have been taking the Word of God so lightly, the love letter of God so lightly- Pr Sam described how's a life of a Bible if it's written in a diary- saddening. How have we wondered from loving His Word? How have we allowing the world to enter in the church? How how have we response in religious hypocrisy in attending church and in serving? Will it come a time- the Lord will take away His Word from us? Not a famine of food or thirst of water, but a famine of the hearing of the Word of God. Will there be a time, when we search for His Word, His saying, and found none? Yes- It's written in the book of Amos. Now that we have His Word, do we wanna wait till it come a time where we seek and can't find His Words- and die of thrist? Spiritual thirst?

Oh Abba Father, forgive me if I've not been loving Your Words, and living out Your Words the way it should. Forgive me for the disobedience of Your commandment, and the deceived of my heart, forgive me for the heart of stone, rejecting Your Words when it's there- available to dispense. Forgive me for the hardenning and critical mindset, rejecting what is good. Help me Lord, Help me to know You are near. Help me to draw nearer to Your Words daily, and Living it out. Not just a hearer Father, but doers of Your Words, able to stand in obedience. Lord....please don't take Your Words away, please don't cause the famine of Your Words, I will never able to bear it, in the time You take it away. Let Your sweet Words be a live to my soul. Where can we go from Your presence Lord, for You hold the Word of eternal life. You are the only One that hold the Word of eternal life, and I thirst for Your Words Lord,,Now..I thirst for You to speak in me Father....Lord, I commit this life to You- help me to grow in love with You again- renew my heart, a heart of flesh and not a heart of stone. Amen!

I'm held by Your Love, I'm held by Your strength

19th April 2006,

5.36pm- Wednesday evening, in the office. Has been a while didn't write blog, since PH till now. Work has been usual, Charmine and Toh still on-leave. Just had Department Meeting, still insufficient staff. Nothing much about work, had lunch with Lem (Merck), and Serene. Waiting to go Singapore another few weeks time, haven't make passport. Got to make time do to it, or else my HR will kill me:P

Yesterday went for MLM, Million Leaders Mandate, a course conducted for all leaders. Our church has been good- always wanting to equip and develop the leaders. Ps. Sam is a visionary man, planning and strategising for future expansion. The traning was conducted by Un. Daniel, with his hoarse voice he still able to pull through delivering the message. The topic on Leader's Heart. Interesting. During discussion time I'm sort of award, when people sharing about what is the excuses on not in the leadership, etc. I just don't know how to share. Stepping down in leadership..yeah, Eric must really have hard time bearing with me. Now I've not been actively involving in Cell, just a normal attender, and in search of new cell. Many asked me, which cell I'm going to join? I've no idea, don't know how to answer them. Marcus approached me asked me to consider joining them, to help in mentoring the members, more of support. I appreciate that he still remember the Shirley before...but, well..I don't think A2J or Zion will be in my shopping list, well, dunno maybe will, maybe not, but most probably not. The fellowship is great, I'm quite attached and close with the members, yet something within me is yeilding for more, more than a fellowship- I want more than a fellowship, that's wht I know....wht is that? If not fellowship- which other cell can offer? What did you want, Shirley? I'm asking myself. I really don't know- Words, Works, something that can bang in my Spirit that I can be passionate again? Seriousness? ...does it means Desa-U and A2J or Zion not serious? How serious you want? I'm asking myself. I want to some different environment to grow, to grow again. Attaching back to any of the groups will never let me grow..that's wht I think....

I was just like a free bird now, flying and wandering around- soaring up and down, a lonely tiny little bird, searching for more. But I know He has something for me, I'm assured of that- that I'm held by His Love, I'm held by His strength...Pray with me, those who read my blog- that I will able to find a place, to serve with joy, to minister to Him and to people, and to grow in Him in Grace....

After MLM, had supper with Roland and Yueh Nee, we discussed about relationship again- I was saying to them- yeah, am waiting for God to drop one from the sky, God willing. Exploring the possibilities- Roland suggested a few from EPCC, hmmm.....seems hopeless, yet I have the "living" hope in Him, Amen for that! :PP

Resting PH: Happening and Relaxing

12th April 2006,

6.14pm Wed evening. Still in the office- waiting for Lisa to call to confirm on tonites' dinner venue. Just now management meeting, heard that Mr. Koh's wife met accident, so he went off early- therefore Ivan conduct the meeting. Not much of discussion going on. Matron Teoh, Matron Lim and Dr. George bombarded me to help Casualty on drug dispensing- trying to pressure Pharmacy to open longer hours. Am quiet, don't know how to stand for the department- Thank God Ivan sided me- give a neutral opinion, to think out of box and see things in bigger picture- to evaluate the data, on the cost effectiveness. Pharmacy Department wrking well I guess. Toh brought up an issue on putting more staff during Sunday, is there a need- when they can't furnish me with data? Has been hearing the staff grumbling of stress and high work load. But how about the low time when people are chatting away? Lord- grant me Your wisdom in this matter- hw to resolve this. I plan to do a spot-check this Sunday- will miss the Easter celebration- will attend Saturday service, and Sunday plan to go hospital, see how busy we are.

Yesterday is a PH. Mum joined my friends for Youth Park Hike. Surprisingly, she's so fit, can climb and reach the destination faster than us. She enjoyed herself, yeah... The rest of the group climbed up to Pg Hill, but we did not join. We only reach No-3# and later on hike down to hv breakfast opposite Ping Hwa High school, then later to bank to deposit my cheque, then head back home. Reached home collapsed on the coach, fall asleep in the midst of watching Da Vinci Code by RBC. So tired, wake up have lunch- then bath and continue Da VinciCode- Fact or Fiction. Later on do some paper work on documents for Income Tax, then time's up to fetch Lisa from airport.

7.50pm Airport. Meet up with Lisa- we had dinner at Hakka Mee Stall. Had quite a long chat. To my surprise, Lisa been so opened to me, she shared a lot on her past relationship, on the requirement topray for a life partner. I was so surprise how she can share this personal issue with me even tho' we're quite newly meet. The first question she asked during the dinner: "So..have you meet your Adam?". Oh dear...I was kinda uncomfortable discussion on relationship issue, yet she brought up this personal question. She said that on her way to Penang, she just feel that she wanna share on relationship. I'm not sure- whether is it God sending her to tell me something? Yes, I do praying for a life partner, but am not earnestly pray. Lisa said, you got to earnestly pray and list down your critera to God, so that when the right person come along the way, then God will help you to be sensitive to receive it. I disagree. I have my set of criteria, but to list it down specifically one by one to God- I don't think it's necessary. It's like limiting God and positioning myself in desperate moment. Well, I wonder through am I desperate? What is the level of my desperation? I listen to the DVD by Ps Prince from Singapore about finding right partner- that desperation will bring us to settle for any. Oh No! I don't want to come to the situation which I'm settling for anyone- Tom Dick and Harry, No Lord- He knows my heart. Some of the sharing do ring some truth, in positioning to receive the "Right'" one when it comes, yet the issue of "Right" one..I'm not pretty agree. I don't believe in one and only right one, and when I miss it means I'll get the second best. I believe of God have our best interest at heart, and He will wants to give the best- as compatible to us, when it seems fit- only if we incline to Him. Incline and yeilding to Him, yet be discern and sensitive of His leading and understanding our own self. I don't know- I've been praying, but am I earnestly pray? What's the meaning- earnestly? How earnestly? Everyday bangging on heaven's door and ask God to give me a life partner? No- course not, pray for God to work on the person- in passion and purity, in His right time, we will meet. And let His peace guard my heart- with assurance of His love and promises. I believe God knows best my heart, and I don't think to list down every single details from A-Zs is a good idea- I'm not limiting God, I'm trusting Him, my Abba Father. Sometimes it's not easy, pressure do comes, yet got to surrender the heart. My prayer is Lord, guard my heart- for it's the well spring of life. Let me not simply give my heart to anyone, not anyone- close it tight, and surrender to You, and You will open my heart when it's the right time, to the right person...Right person? Hmm...you know best, I know best, somehow we will know.

After dinner- Lisa joined my frens Bday party at Hidden Cafe- wow, such long table, I think got about 20 over people. I introduce Lisa to Roland, and Marcus sitting beside me, and others. It's Helena's birthday- Felix was around too, but has not been talking to him for long. Am feeling a bit uncomfortable. Has been staying aloof nowadays. Lisa can really talk, she shared a lot spiritual insight with me. We left the place earlier- fetching her back Vistana. She's very happy- keep on thanking me for the hospitality. Well, know a new friend.

To Hilton with Love...

8th April 2006,

Saturday- 2.20pm half day work. Yesterday was on-leave, wake up 11am, eat and listen to DVD by Ps Kong Hee about Finding Your Right Partner. Sleep again, listen again- almost whole day to finish the 8 CDs. Then evening went to church for Condensed World Mission Course (Chapter 4).

Has been away from work for whole week, Sunday to Friday. ISOPP X is International Symposium of Oncology Pharmacy Practice. It's the 10th International Symposium, usually held it once in 4 years time, and the next one after this will be in Michigan USA. This year held in Asean- Kuala Lumpur. Overall ISOPP X is good- a lot of the topics is very much technical. The participants were from all over the world- from Malaysia to USA, Greece, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Thailand...all over. The topics very much deep, I think my knowledge and practice is not up to date. Overall alright, quite balance. Got to spend time with Ms. Chua from Fatimah Hospital in Ipoh, and got to fellowship with Ms Chen from Adventist. Heard they're getting another Oncologist from Oversea, and starting CDR soon. My Oncologist, Dr Leong also attend the seminar, actually this is meant for Pharmacist but he also join. Later on he asked me a lot abt our current CDR, giving all sort of comments. Well, this Dr talk a lot, I just nod my head and listen to him only. Had some bad experience wth him, but it's just work- overall he's still okie, doctor just doing his job.

My trip in Hilton has been a wonderful. I've done something I never had been doing before, quite bold yet not enough discernment. Not wise, very risky, but my instinct prove me right- it's okie. Some nice memories to capture and I'll remember it. Got to know a friend, going for 2 movies- Shaggy Dog- was really nice- I love it, another Inside Man, okie but a bit deep, can't really appreciate the storyline. I attended Sun evening church- Ps. Jayakumar spoke about Ps 23: 1-4 The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want. Also join Cell Group, nice combination of people- lengthy sharing tho'. Wht's the impression- childlike and simple. The lesson shared was on Abunance Blessing from God. What it means to be comple/whole. What does wholeness mean? How are we positioning ourselves to receive the blessing from God? Some shared about John 15, the Vine and branches, a few scriptures on walking with the Spirit. I remember I shared in Cell about this- He increased and we decrease. More of God, more of the Spirit and less of Flesh. How to walk in step with the Spirit. To positioning ourselves for abundance- grace upon grace, the outpouring of blessing God intended for His children. How's our attitude to receive that? Good sharing- we end really late 11.30pm, but ok-lah, quite similar to our CG.

From Sun-Thurs meeting up with Kawai, mixed feeling- a little scare, and happy. Due to my emotion and my deficiency, I'm afraid I will unconciously grow attached to the friendship and spoilt it in the future. Asking the Lord to guard my heart for it's the well spring of life. To keep watch of my steps and action. Thank God for a wonderful friend- yet there're something I need to be careful and aware of- Platonic Relationship, will that be possible between different sexes? I used to think it's possible, but now I don't think so, because somehow someday someone might cross the line.

Hilton will surely be a good memories, and it's saddening to leave and to end, yet- somehow someday my wish and hope that this will remain true and lasting...only if God wills!

Psalm 85 Prayer for the Nation

30th March 2006,

1 You showed favor to your land, O LORD; you restored the fortunes of Jacob.
2 You forgave the iniquity of your people and covered all their sins.
3 You set aside all your wrath and turned from your fierce anger.
4 Restore us again, O God our Savior, and put away your displeasure toward us.
5 Will you be angry with us forever? Will you prolong your anger through all generations?
6 Will you not revive us again, that your people may rejoice in you?
7 Show us your unfailing love, O LORD, and grant us your salvation.
8 I will listen to what God the LORD will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints— but let them not return to folly.
9 Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land.
10 Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other.
11 Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven.
12 The LORD will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest.
13 Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps.

Yesterday Combined Churches Prayer Rally at Fettes Park Baptist Church. It's good time of prayer, and I'm personally encouraged by the response and the prayer itself. We prayed based on Ps 85, start with repentance, prayer of restoration and ask God for personal revival of Faith, Hope and Passion. It's timely message. I'm touched, God has been so good- He has blessed us continually and being so patience with His children. We are like sheep has gone astray, each of us turning our own separate way. We hv missed Him, many times...with our personal agenda, how we build our own house, and pursue of the world. We have somehow lost the real meaning and purpose of our existance. With CWMC that I've learned and challenged on mission and sharing love to others.

I was just wondering and reflecting my life. Have I been a blessing in my workplace? Am I being a good subordinate and colleagues, am I a good boss? am I am a good employer to GMC? How is my encounter with others, my relationship, what Jesus trying to teach the disciple on "people perspective"...a glabal issue, am I faithful in that? What about pride? Hv I been proud in my own understanding and human wisdom and effort? How about spiritual pride? How is the measure of my love for Him?

Father....help me, let me decrease and You increase, work in me daily. Every day...that I will grow from strength to strength and from glory to glory. May I reflect your goodness, that my life will not be a shame to Your Name but to bring Glory to You. Not by might nor by power, but by Your Spirit. Thats' why we need of Your Spirit to work in us. Work in Your own special way...Amen!

Condensed World Mission Course

25th March 2006,

1.38pm Saturday afternoon. It's time to go back, stayed to clear my documents. A lot new product insert and materials don't have the time to read- a quick browse through and dump the materials in the dustbins, or else at the end of the year my desk will full of papers and journals. Not feeling well today, knew it, last night have not been feeling well. For the pass few days has been having headache, at the rising of the dawm has been feeling the pain. Now am having flu and fever, took Redoxon in the morning before go to church. This morning went for leader's prayer in church- 6.30am. Today is the 7th day of the Prayer and Fasting week- the focus is on Overcoming with Love. The status of the heart- to love, to release unforgiveness, to be effective in the Ministry. A recheck of the heart status. How is my heart condition spiritually? Has it been charged up with the WOG and love of God? How is my reaction when others said something bad about me, or how would be my response if ppl unintentionally hurt me? How would I react on that? It's surface from the matter of the heart. Yes, how true ...

CWMC- 3rd Chapter yesterday;
1st Chapter is about God, His plan and purpose. The see the centrality of God in the study of mission, how it all begin. About the Bible as love story book- shown how God loves us and wants His people to love know Him through the Word, and loves Him voluntarily in return. The display of His love- revealing of His plan and purpose for us: Redemptive purpose and Kingdom purpose. Understanding the purpose frm the incidence of Babel and it's significant to the mission.

2nd Chapter is about Israel, the covenet people. Much saying about the OT, to see Israel's obligation, opportunity and response in reaching out. Cover on Abrahamic covenant which relate to The Great Commision. Realise how the Lord want to bless us to be a blessing, biblically stated as topline and bottomline blessing. To see Jonah's response in depth and how that relate to us, how have we slacked in just wanting blessing and denying the responsibilities.

3rd Chapter is about the 3M's: Messiah, Message and Messagers, how it related, with the mystery revealed, Messiah- who is He, how it speaks about the message, and the importance of being a messangers for the Kingdom of God. Realising the main mission of church in this interim period, from the 1st coming to the 2nd coming of Christ. Exposed to the 'twinkle twinle' story in Matthew 4, how Jesus answered to the Canaanite women that plead to heal the daughter- which describe on the association of giving breads to dogs, and the bread that's frm the table- how it relate to the different message Jesus wants the disciple to learn. A training for his disciple.

Tonite will be Breakthrough Nite, by Apostle Brown. Don't know what to expect. Have been going for a lot breakthrough nite, yet still ant to believe God is working through breakthrough. His presence, just long for His presence and to come with expectant heart, allowing God to work in us. His Spirit work in the hearts of His people. This time gonna be something different, are we hungry? God will surely move, whether we want it or not. He will surely move, but are we ready to allow Him to 'bang' in our hearts, and inhabit in our being? The willingness and openess, the 'unlearned' and relearne on His Word.

O Daddy, Thank You that for You are the ever symbol of love. Thank You for Your Words and ministering, thank You for the work You're doing, and continuously working. Prepare my heart, Lord I prepare my heart to receive from You, the touch. Just one glimpse, just one drink and my soul will satisfied. As the songs read:

Lord I come, take my life
I offer up to You a living sacrifice
By Your love, By your Grace
I come into the Holy of Holies

All I wanna do
Is dwell in Your Presence
Drink from Your well
that never runs dry

All I wanna see
is the Light of Your Glory
Just one glimpse
Just one drink
and my Soul will satisfy

Longing for Your touch, Father let it be the cries of the heart of Your people, that come longing for You, missing You, longing for You Lord- Let Your annointing flow, work thru' miracles, that Your people will be set free, free to love You, worship You, and to want more of You. Father have Your way, We surrender- work Your way, not our way. it's Yours Lord, You minister, Your glory be magnified, praise You Father....

Father, create me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me. That I will coem into Your presence in childlikeness, that my mind will be free to worship you, to learn from You, to relearn all from You Lord. I hungry for You Father- work in me tonite I pray, Amen!

ESMS Training

20th March 2006,

6.30pm Monday evening. Today whole day I was in the Lecture Hall for training. Magdalene went with me. The training is on "Effective Supervisory and Managerial Skill"- basically for the HODs, Executives and Supervisors, relevant to our job scope. The trainer is Mr HK Hin, very vocal person, and very experience in giving training to a lot multinational company like Jabil, and Motorola. He was formerly from Motorola and shared with us a lot of his experience dealing with production, and leadership. A lot of the examples of the effective leadership that he addressed, which inspired us. Quite a number of participants attend the course, and tomorrow will be Part II of the long hours training. I did learned a lot from him, about leadership- and it's very much inspiring to hear his experiences. It's basically a motivational training, and it's definitely very effective if we to apply it in our management, yet- there're others area of concerns which not able to work practically. He talk about situational leadership and flexibility- very inspiring and he was saying about changing the mindset, positive thinking. It's all begin at the mindset, and it's the brain. He mention about we're not to live on fate, success is by how we wanna put effort, how the brains work- we can change things. He list down the 7 habits of effective leadership. Inspiring. I wonder if he's a Christian.

Christian working in the world system. How should be our value system. A lot of motivational courses, yet Christian are following on Christ as our role model. To be effective as Christian in secular world, Ro12 - Not to be confront to the standard of the world but to be transform in renewing of our mind, to know the perfect will of God. How do we depends on God, as our role model in dealing with people in workplace, being effective and successful leaders? A lot of motivational speaker quote on motivational books- such as Stephen Covey, Anthony Robin, and other successful stories of successful people- how the mindset and thinking. It's good, but I don't usually fancy or chase after motivational class. A lot good inputs, good inspiring training, but still to put it into practice, application is the most important thing. As for this course, yes- I realise relationship with people, interpersonal relationship is the area which I'm lacking, and I got to really push myself out of the limitation to relate to my staff, to care for them- to communicate with them. Push out of my limitation. ...got to, and will try to. I try, God helps.

We help, God heals...

17th March 2006,

6.20pm Fri evening. Doing blog before packing off straight to church. Today has been okie, work normal. Tomorrow myself and Magdalene will be going to City Bayview for Diabetes Management workshop for whole day, so the pharmacy left Charmine to be in charged. She has hand in resignation letter and her last day will be another 3 months from now. She has been really good help to me, and surely I'll miss her a whole lot.

Just now went to see Dr Leong, give him see aunts' clinical report on the CA. She was diagnosed with colon cancer metastasis to liver, and according to my cousin doctor in Adventist Hospital said there's no hope, no curative treatment available. I seek Dr. Leong's opinion, he said yes, can be treated, probably to prolong survival but not curative. Sadden by this, life goes on. What are we doing about this? As Christian...other than praying. I told Shanice, we will be praying for aunty, take heart. As I look back, we're not pretty close with the relative, only get together occasionally, weddings, funerals, birth. Other than that none, nothing much. Press on praying- do as much as I can to help. I do believe that God heals, Jesus heals. Even though I'm in medical line, and what I've been learning about diseases progression and drugs and treatment, but I believe strongly God heals.

It reflect back the scenario of how dad struggled fighting the cancer. Another question is whether is it that we lack of faith that resulted dad not healed? Or it's unforgiveness in his heart? At that point, I wonder...really really wondering- God, we prayed through, we shed tears, we pressed on, we unite our heart through as family. Church prayed, daddy prayed. He prayed, daddy really press on, and he dependant on God- he struggled yet he keep holding on to God, till the last breath, his last word " The Lord is my Lord and Saviour". That's the last word I ever hear from his mouth before he back with the Lord. Daddy is now with God, enjoying the splendor and majesty. I miss him so much, thinking about him can just make me shed my tears. Deep in my heart still engraved the memories, of the time we pressed on, but God did not heal Daddy. But He's still healer, yes- He heals, Jehovah Rophi, the Healer. How is my faith this time as I stand in the gap to pray for aunt? The Lord gives and He takes away, Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Trust Him, O little Faith, trust Him. He is able!

Thursday updates

16th March 2006,

Thurs-5.40pm, about time to go back. Today's work has been alright, normal. Phone ringing over whole place. Today Camelia and Valsala work PM, system down again. We're in the midst of changing system, from DOS to Web-based, with the hope that the new system will speed up the operation and helping in report genaration, with more flexibility and more user friendly. Am quite upset with our drug coding today. I suggested to IT not to migrate the old data to new system, especially the obsolete drug code, items which does not move in 3 years, but my Finance Manager argue with me, require all the items to be coded for data migration. Ended up, finally I have to just do the data set. Oh gross..with all the numbers and figure in front of computer whole day has been twisting my mind. Really pray the new system will not give much problem. Anticipating spike here and there when System On-Live this 30th Apr.

Thurs, nothing much at home, will be going back to have dinner wth mum. Later cousin will be having dinner at home too. Have been working on the CWMC 1st Worksheet, it require a lot of readings and homework. Last week was just the 1st lesson, this week will be more of discussion and more involvement among the members. Introductory lesson-about God, God's plan and purpose for the nation, His redemption plan and establishment of His Kingdom. Tomorrow will be more, very comprehensive teaching.

Avastin Launching - Lighthouse Fellowship

13th March 2006,

5.45pm Monday evening. Time to pack up. Mum got back yesterday night about 8.30pm, I touch down Pg 6.00pm and straight take cab back home. So tired- take 2 hrs nap, frm 6-8pm. Wake up a bit dizzy, yet better. Now still recovering from my panda eyes, got a lot dark circle already...there goes my sleeping beauty.

Attended Avastin launching on Saturday evening- 7pm Quite technical detailing, more suitable for the doctors- too many studies, can't able to remember so much. Expensive drug- RM1588 per-100mg vial, if a person is 60kg, require 3 vials, will be ~RM5K, aduh... Avastin 100mg pervial (Roche), indicating for metastatic colon cancer, what a high cost of treatment. How can people affort this? The launching is just okie, dinner was very late- 9pm till 11.30pm, then meet up with Kok Keong for drink, catching up after so so long. I've not been back for CNY, has not been catching up with old-schoolmate. Then, back hotel, Angie stay with me for a nite. We chatted till 3am ter-sleep off. Wah, that's my night...very much tiring.

6.45am wake up, take breakfast, take cab to SS3. Wondering so "Tai Tam" alone to SS3. Isn't that dangerous to meet the 'wolf'? If real wolf then habis lar. Reached LightHouse Fellowship about 8.30am, wondering is it the right address? How come just a house, he give me wrong address or what? Hmm...called the phone, no answer, oh no, suspend. Ta da...here come the wolf :) Tall, wearing white collared shirt, with proper short trimmed hair- look so serious. Oh dear, is he the one I'm chatting with all this while? Very serious.

Lighthouse Fellowship, small church, not much people, no drum, no keyboard, just guitar. Entering in, sit at the corner all alone. Kawai and Clarine doing pre-worship, practising on worship. Slowly people coming in, think the whole congregation about 30-40 people, small church. EPCC huge, more than hundreds, all fully equipped. The service started with Pr. leading the congregation on declaration and prayer, followed by some songs, then worship. This is my ever first time attending smaller group church, with long service. Start 9am-1pm (4 hours), wow...I wonder EPCC can have such longer service. The worship was great, full of God's annointing- with simple songs, and a guitar alone can have such wonderful worship- that sure be the work of the Holy Spirit, and God's presence is real. He is there...in our midst, He inhabit in the praises of His people, those who worship Him with Spirit and truth. I have not experience much of speaking in tongues in EPCC, I do believe in speaking in tongue, but we don't use much of it. The church move powerfully with the gifts- speaking in tongue. Strong sense of God's presence and anointing. Refreshing. Pr gives word of knowledge, about some issues about mind that's confuse and hurts. Asked the person to come out, I sense a tug in my heart, is He saying tht to me? Not sure, but God's presence is strong, I can sense that.

Pr. Jayakumar Joseph is the speaker. The message talk about "To be Christlike" taken from book of Luke, and also a lot of other Scriptures, untill some of the point I can't catch the Scripture reference. The church very much into Word of God, backed up with Biblical Scripture. Christlikeness, to be like Christ, strong Word. Hindrances- a lot: Discouragement, Fear, Imaginary Minds, World pleasure. I can identify. That show much much we need God, how much we need His Word, how much we need to keep close to Him, in our conduct, words and testimony to be the light, to be Christlike. Pr. message is strong- I can see he's a man of God- strict and with Godly principles. Powerful ministering, releasing God's Word of knowledge. He looks strict, I don't have a chance to even say Hi, or thank him for the message- too bad.

Sfter service, went for lunch with Kawai and chruch members, hot weather, get to knoe Nicole- the pinkiest girl, and cute girl. Need to write this down to capture the memories, or else mayb next time don't see will not remember- a girl that likes Seven-11. After lunch went back church. Hot weather. Have some chat with Kawai and play with the guitar, nice to play. Had been a while since the last time I played in CG, tipu tipu chords. Kawai keep asking me to play- oh dear, very paisey...anyhow manage to start strumming and get a few songs rolling. Enjoy the guitaring session....after this session, I think I got to start make time to practise guitar, no determination. Remember how I spend time in my room back in Pekaka, to pick few worship songs and play- now no more, lost the passion. Sigh! 3.30pm manage to check in in KL Sentral, thank God. Thank Kawai for fetching me to KL Sentral. Tiring trip yet well-spent- getting to know a fren, a small nice church with wonderful people that passionate for God at least encourage my heart to go on. Pr. messange always a challenge, and repentance is not just repentance, but to get out of it, turn away from it, and transform. A challenge, and prayerfully a transformation and breakthrough for my spiritual life.

Reached home so tired, mum back about 9pm, give a bad news- aunt got liver cancer. Reminded me on how daddy struggle thru' the time to fight cancer. A thoughts, O Lord...so many cancers, so many relatives passed away without knowing God- what am I doing at this time? Sms sister about this, she said we got to press on praying- to pray, what else can we do? To pray and do our part when God open opportunity to share of His good news. Watched FlyWheel, touching. Real life story, very practical, down to earth, should be viewed by all. Prayers make a difference. P>U>S>H Push untill something happen. Pray and have faith in God, He will definitely lead us through if we do not loose heart. Intergrity as Christian, in the sinful word, how are we shinning? How are we shinning and standing in Christlikeness? Move towards that, work on our salvation with fear and trembling. God help us!

12am Devotion- Sleep ever so soundly, Monday will definitely will be a great day! Amen! Thank you Lord!

Centre of my Life

A song I just learned. The lyrics is good- making Jesus the centre of our life, responding to Him with all we have, stepping out from the comfort zone, the unknown, and trusting the Lord of the things ahead, letting go our the comfort, holding on to Him, in the fear- replace wth peace...

Centre Of My Life
Jonas Myrin, Natasha Bedingfield

Let my walk speak loud
And my words be true
Let my life be whole and my eyes on You
Lord I'm stepping out, from the comfort zone
Letting go of me, holding on to You

PreChorus:
Freedom comes, when I call You Lord
You are Lord, my God

Chorus:
You are the Centre of it all
The universe declares in awe
Your Majesty, I surrender all
I make You the Centre of my life
Lord I respond with all I am
You placed in me the song
Of Heaven's melody
Your Majesty, I live to sing Your song

Verse 2:
I have found Your peace,
it replaces any fear
You have done it all, I can trust in You
Lord I'm stepping out, from the comfort zone
Letting go of me, holding on to You

Bridge:
This is Your song, not mine
It is Your song, that brings healing to this land
This is Your song, not mine
It is Your song, that brings freedom

Song for the season

10th March 2006,

Friday. It's lunch time, just back from Adventist hospital, just to get a chop from Dr. Elizebeth, and get some goodies for Kawai, yum yum. Bought some muffins and biscuit for the department too, later have Department Meeting. Had been 2 months, we have been slagging behind. Just heard from Boey Trini just delivered BB Boy, wah..tht's so fast, 2 BB in a year, and she can stand. Awesome!...

I wanna post this song in the blog. Other than "heal me O Lord" this song will be the song of the season. The lyrics ministered to my heart, even in the darkest hour, even where You seems far away- I need Your grace- it's by Your grace for me to Sing, and I will Sing...Sing Praise to You...

I will Sing

(Don Moen-Hosanna Intergrity)

Lord You seem so far away

A million miles or more it feels today

And though I haven't lost my faith

I must confess right now

It's hard for me to pray

But I don't know what to say

And I don't know where to start

But as You give the Grace

What all that's in my heart

I will sing; I will praise

Even in my darkest hour

Through the sorrow and the pain

I will sing, I will praise

Lift my hands to honour You

Because Your Word is true

I will sing

Lord it's hard for me to see

All the thoughts and plans You have for me

But I will put my trust in You

Knowing that You died to set me free

But I don't know what to say

I don't know where to start

But as You give the Grace

With all that's in my heart

Thank You Lord, for You never let me go, and You understand the deepest of the deep in me, Thank you Lord for loving me the way I am, just the way I am, and accept me just being me. Thank you Lord, for that Grace you give- and that carry me on, that Grace, that Love carry me on. Thank you Daddy!

Heal me O Lord, and I will be healed

7th March 2006,

6.47pm Wednesday evening in the hospital. Today Ms Tan on-leave, then I've been sitting front to do DrugMaster setup for new system transfer. Oh gosh, my eye so weak now, am so tired. I work through my lunch, till I forgotten that Management Meeting is 2.30pm. I was half an hour late for meeting- walking in so 'selamba', and sit far end from boss. Boring. All the big big HODs and the discussion. Not in tune with the flow of the meeting. Nothing much from my department, did not measure the performance tho'- expect all should be fine and well.

I
Previous blog said about "Floating". I decided to change Cell, I hope I make a right decision after so long thoughts. Which one to go? Not sure- Can't say now, wanna go all round, and shop around- to have the experience when I'm just newly join church-fresh from start. But are you serious about that? What do you want to achieve? What's the criterias? I don't know. Probably I want more serious Cell, a cell that is strong in the Words, and environment that I can grow. This doesn't mean that I am not growing in DU. It' just that I'm probably in the stagnant mode that I need some push up. Oh 'push up'?? How can you say that? No one can push you, you got to make effort. I know I know..make effort, I know, but I just need the condusive environment to make effort. Oh, I don't know- I can't explain that. I also don't know what I want..sob sob.

I got a cassette from Lily Kang (Merck). It's Don Moen- God will make a Way. One of the song is Heal me O Lord. I love this song. It just ministered in my heart, as if my heart has been so full of burdens and worldly concerns, that it has been so less of Him but more of Me. Oh how the heart has been wandered from the passion. O Lord, help me to draw back to You, heal me O Lord, and I will be healed, save me and I will be saved....You are the one I praised. Give You this heart. Like the people of Israel that has been wandering away from you, has forgotten Your wonderful work. Hw easy these sheep wandered away, yet Yur love is so great- neve failed to bring us back. Hodling us in the palms of Your hands. Always there whenever we turn back to You. Help me Father to be consistently loving You, staying in the right Faith. Faith Lord...Increase my faith, one step ahead, when You drawing 999 steps forward, just a step ahead. Pls Lord- be patience with me, I'm trying to walk that small step. I need to do it, not because I must, because I want to, because I love You Lord!

Floating.....a place to belong?

4th March 2006,

Saturday morning-10.56am, am working, outside girls are chatting- probably not much of patients. Just now test Urine Dipstick- Sugar NAD, Albumin ++, oh dear, not a good result. Hope mum able to successfully pass the Prudential Insurance Policy, or else it'll be blacklisted and not able to get any in the future. Yeah, insurance policy- why I'm so worried? Rest assured in God, if she get she'll get, or else don't worry- trusting God's the ultimate protector of His children. If can get, praise the Lord, if not, also praise the Lord- so don't fret Shirley, don't need to. Later will see what Dr. Leong said about the result.

Yeah- floating, Am I floating? Last night I joined Zion/Marcus's CG, and A2J/Roland's CG. Celebrating Joanne's Bday. Had fun, behaving pretty wild- unlike the Shirley that people's know. Pr. always said to 'be yourself'. Am I myself? I think I am myself, sometimes to behave childlike, or even childish, sometime serious, and sometimes moody, sometimes stern non-smile look. It's just how I behave in different environment, does that means I have a spilt personality? I don't think so. It's a flexibility. Yet such flexibility should also be guarded carefully, that the reaction and response will something that is 'faking out'. You'll know it deep within, the genuine or the fake. Whatever it is- all actions should be flow out from you, yourself. A child of God, accepted by God the way He created you, loved by JC.

Mum is now in A/S. Will be there for a week. She has been independant- not sure she'll be ok alone there. Always a concerned. Wish sis will be back- at least I can share my burden, but she's happy in Johor, don't think it's good idea to force her back. She's growing well- with church, cell and the accountable friends there. One thing I admire about her, able to open up- strong inside. Myself appeared to be strong outside, yet inside is so weak and fragile. Our "position in Christ"- very well said. Probably it's for me to rediscover my position in Him, and to grab the promise, grab hold of that love of Christ. I know it's there- freely ascessible, 24 hours available, died for me on the Cross- take away my shame, renewed me. Loves me so so much. Yet, it seem hard to hv the breakthrough- something entangles, need tp push push and push, and tired, sometimes just feel like giving up. Life is as such. Again, a paradign shift of our perspective, how we look at things. You are what you thinketh. How true. All should channeled back to the WOG. Let that be life, let the Word be life, to breath life and transform life. Reconcilation is one time, transformation is on-going. Yet reconcilation should be the first to get right with before transformation. Yes, I've reconcilled to Him, yet there're still many things I should get reconcilled before the transformation.

O Lord, I trust in You, and I really did- where else can I turn to, for You hold the Word of eternal life. I trust You holding up my life in the palms of Your hands; before I utter any words, You already knew it, such knowledge is too marvelous and wonderful for me to phantom. I trust, not with my mouth- but with my heart, and thoughts, I trust.

March- another month...

2nd March 2006,

6.38pm. Time up, yet still in the office, has been a while didn't do blog, now trying to think wht to write. Has been a while, it's so fast, alreadt March. Today kinda busy, with work, e-THIS thingy with it's date due had just keep me busy. Life is the same, nothing much to share about. Cell Group the same I guess, I think my deli delly attitude just pull me aside to decide what to do and where I should be heading. This Fri CG at Philip's house, but I told Eric I'm gonna visit Jon's Cell, might just end up his Cell, not too sure. Starting another 2 weeks the Cell will meet in church for CWMC, at that point also not sure which Cell to join in. Floating, yeah floating and it's not that good- yet trusting God to lead me, somehow to lead me to a place, to grow.

Just now mum came for check up, for ME to get new Prudential Insurance Policy. Wow, the premium is really high, 250 per-month, means will be 3k per-year. Not sure what's Christian view about insurance. It's about protection, more of to protect and also saving, yet the Bible said that He will watch over us, and protect us, and He will provide, why do we wanna get insurance then? Some Christians has very strong oppose on the buying insurance- it shows our lack of trust in the Lord. I bought insurance for own, and family. Yeah, I don't see any reason of showing lack of trust. It's more of the motive- what's our motive? No right or wrong.

Gonna be going to KL again this 11 March for Avastin Launching. Hope to meet up with Angie, Keong and Kawai. A time to go off from Penang. But will usually feel tired. Will be travelling quite often in the future. April will have another symposium ISOPP X at Hilton, then May 3 rd week will be going to Singapore for a week for NCC attachment. Has been running around, travelling and floating. Oh Lord, what do You want me to learn in such time as this?

Avillion.. there I come

20th February 2006,

Monday 5.51pm, it's a busy day. Taking things slowly and steadily, one thing at a time. A lot to work on. Just got back from Avillion, a nice place- first time sharing room with other participant, but it was good- coz sharing with Olivia- catching up with her, and shared on the CA memories and updates. Hotel is nice, open air bathroom, I enjoyed the who seminar. The participant very much outgoing and open, they're Singaporean girls, 25 participant, all girls except one guy. We had fun time- most of the participant very young, so we have team building- and also presentation on the different group. I'm in Roman Empire group, and we're given Roman Empire dress, One King's dress- for Caesar and another 4 for ladies, Egyptian dress. So we form a drama, dance for the King, to pick his wife to be. I dance Chinese papar-fan dance. Hmm..not bad, quite fun. We finally won 1st prize- got a free foot massage service, but I gave it away to others coz I got to catch a flight the next day. Learn quite a lot in the seminar. Interaction with the Singaporean gives me some insights. Even though I'm usually quiet, yet I can know a few people, and tht's good enough. Shld need to keep in touch, hope to see them again.

Yeah, Monday Blues. Working life has been okie. A lot things yet to finalize- on new projects and planning for extension of CDR, yet taking my time, slowly. Learn on delegation, and asking God for wisdom each day. Talk to Celina just now, yeah- shared about brother, and family. Last night chat with mum has been in my heart- yeah, expectation again. Why did I placed such high expectation on brother? Have I been understanding enough? I should silence up, and not justify anymore. Rest it to the Lord, and may He guide the family. The life of Job- He gives and He take away, Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Can I praise Him in times of imperfection, in times of shaking? My level of trust, and the stillness. Pr Sam's sermon for Sunday has been good- all come back to the Word of God. How much have we really soak ourselves in the Word of God? Hw passionate are we? How hungry are we? How's our response after the Word? Grieve and repents then what?..then what? What should be the reaction? Take it with joy.. joy in His Word.

Father, forgive me for being lagging in drawing in Your Word. You've run 999 steps to reach out to me, and it requires only a step from me. Forgive me for such lack of faith and trust. Father I wanna run back to Your Word, not by might, not by power but by Your Spirit. Yes, it require a little step, and I'm coming Daddy, please bear with me. Thank you, work in me each day. Through good time or bad time, I know Lord You're near, so near, so so near...praise You Lord. Holy Spirit work deep in me. Thank You! Amen!

Testing 1,2, 3...Blogging Picture:)

Ehhh...?? Who is this? Cun Babe..."I'm Ms. Dew, call me Peace", her name is Dew_Peace :DDDD

Hehe..never bother to play on the blog till today. Got to wait till 7.30pm for Support-Group dinner. I should write something about myself then, since this can be published. What can I say...Simple, yet deep; Ordinary yet Extra-Cautionary; Gentle& Caring (duh..) yet Complex, Sweet, and Cute- yet Fierce. Soft, and Fragile yet Tough and Stubborn, don't mess with her;)

I remember I put this in my Friendster: "Bipolar-mixed personality;
Chol-Phleg-Melancho-Sang (20%-25%-50%-5%) Loved by JC.

Anyhow, I always been reminded of His Word in Psalms, that's how how my Daddy manufacture me :D

Psalms 139:13-16
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
[b] Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

Open the eyes of our Heart, Lord

9th February 2006,

It's 2.13pm, Thurs afternoon. Just took bread for lunch, tonite have a CNY dinner with cancer patient support group. Will be staying in hospital then. I forgotten to ask my pharmcists to attend, no only telling them and they said they got plan already-so later I'll be going alone. Work has been good- planning for new renovation for our new unit. Quite excited over it. Becoming an architect cum pharmacist now, trying to sort out how to renovate my little new castle- the clean-room, the positioning of the emergency shower, getting quotation from suppliers. I guess I'm quite slow- don't know a lot of things, not sure about right procedures, feeling like I'm as if like a gun that shooting randomly, all plan half here half there...maybe I'm too 'tamak' want to do everything- so that at least I touch a little here and there. Good and bad, good coz I'll have wider scope on more projects and more new things to do, but bad- coz it'll lack of depth. But overall, have not receive and bad inputs on my job performance. Boss has been a goodman, even though he's rather quiet, don't really speak a lot, but I work well with him. I have alot flexibility and I don't want to abuse that, will only use if needed. I think boss also trust me a lot. Okay la so far...

Last night Prayer-Drive. I drove around Century Bay apartment, then around BJ court. Our group pray for the Migrant worker: Kasturi, Ps Mei, Ken and Caroline, myself one car. The prayer drive is good, we really sense the presence of God surronds us. Even though the prayer list has been given but the Lord impressed us to pray with new light, new scope. Our car got a lot prayer warriors- Pr Mei and Kasturi and Ken really wonderful people. I always very encourage by this sort of people that so passionate on the work of Ministry. Indeed the harvest field is plentiful- see how the Lord open the door bringing so many migrant worker to Malaysia, Nepal, Vietnamese, Bangladeshi. It's open door, it's time for church to rise up. It's Kairos time- for the churches aroud to wake up and take the call. But why is our heart so complacent and so hard to move? Am questioning myself too- wht is God calling me in the area of evangelism, or mission? Awaken the Sleeping Giant....awaken that sleeping giant, awaken- Wake up. Now is the time! Can't you see it? Open our Spiritual Blindness eyes. The Word is there, the Word is life, how are we receiving it? Are we hungry and long for His Word?

O Lord, forgive us for being sleeping, a sleeping giant. Over contented, complacency, blinded by the worldly system, our eyes has not seen our ear has not heard, our heart has not understand what You're doing admist of us. Forgive us Lord, for building our own houses, and forgetting your altar, Your house. Forgive us for pitching the tents so many times, yet never laid any altar..How wretch of us. Yet You loves us, you loves me and give Your life for me- on the Cross of Calvary. That precious blood, the gift of life, how can we comprehend. Help me not to loose the focus of such love and free gifts. It's time- Open the eyes of my Heart Lord!

Earliest Sleeping Time

7th February 2006,

8.42am, last night was my earliest sleeping time- 10am already Zzzzz, so sweet and sound, plan to adjust the clock to wake up early in the morning 6am, but keep on snooze my H/P alarm each time it ring. Oh dear...I'm so lazy, battling to wake up. End up- praying in prostrate position- praying for family and working place. Babbling through, decided to put on my feet to wake up. Oh, Shirley- what a discipline. Got to work out my body, sleep early rise up early. Oh, now I feel even as I slept for more than 8 hours, yet the body and bones seems so tired and rusty, is that sign of aging? Or, got to plan for something more challenging to do.

Today Ms Tan, my store-keeper on leave. Anything happen to the stock issue will come to me. Am not very happy to handle stock issue- always have the idea pharmacist's job should not concern stock- it's more of patient-care but the situation now has change. Am I being content in such job scope? In term of management, how has I been contributing, and whether did I grow in higher level dealing with managing staff and issues.

O Lord, grant me wisdom today, that every decision making and each speech from my mouth will be guided with Your Spirit, that whatever I do, let me do it for You and not of pleasing man alone. Oh Lord, guide me today- grant me strength and joy in marketplace- let me be a testimony, touching a life today. Amen!

The Ever Funniest Dream

6th February 2006,

5.08pm Monday evening. After CNY holidays, momentum doesn't seem to pick up, still lazy around. February gonna be great. Last Sunday sermon was just so good- about Man of Honor, not just focus on man alone, but also applied to women as well. About hw I'm living my life, between Bethel and Ai, between Godliness and worldliness. It's always a challenge, life always a challenge. I realize so many things about myself, some weakness coated with strength. How do i use it. Yes, it's not difficult to get a degree but not education. Education comes from above, wisdom from experience, life experience, learning to pick up when you fall. Learning to not repeat the errors again when you're wrongly walk on it. It need constant reminder- the inner being should be strong, the background and basic should be strong. I desire that Lord- help me, I'm willing to be broken, painful but I wanna hear You Lord, pls speak Your Word of wisdom and my heart will hear you, my heart will hear You and be still, and know You are Lord, You are Who I am that is speaking the very Word. Continue to soften my heart. To be soft when it's required to be soft, and to be strong and hard when it's suppose to be. Your time.

The title of my blog is about my dream- it's just so funny, and I think I've told a lot of the people I met, and have a good laugh over it. I seldom get dreams, and this time it's so real- that's why I thot of maybe write in this blog- next time if I ever read back I'll just laugh at myself. The story is like that: I was so tired, after all the play, lack of sleep, sleep almost 1.30am every night. Too "Hong So" (Joanne called me that). And I eat quite much during CNY. Actually not really a lot, but don't know why I got this dream. I dreamt that I eat a whole lot during Chinese New Year, all the leftover food, all the beer, and all the biscuit that laid on the living room table. Then one day, I weigh myself- I looked down the scale, Oh Shirley! It's 100kg. Oh No!!!! Oh NO!!, then I woke up, and literally I woke up and check my body..Realize that the fats is normal, my normal fats only. Thanks God. Wow, what a revelation, maybe God wanna remind me to keep my body more in shape, or it's just a warning that "Shirley- if you don't control your diet- you gonna end up like that- don't say I didn't warn you- self control my dear". Hmm..makes me scare of eating too much. The day after the incidence, I remember, Sat I went to work, I didn't take food from morning till afternoon- I wish I can skip dinner, but too hungry, got to eat:) Oh dear..I got to work out my body. Need to reduce fats- so I determine to use the TonicFlex every nite before I sleep, hope it able to work well:) Determine wor...cakap saja kah Shirley? Dun cakap only, must loose weight! Jia You! Jia You!...

Saturday...7th Day of CNY

4th February 2006,

It's Saturday, 1.13pm to be exact. Whole week of rest for CNY has been a refreshing one, even though got some spike here and there, overall, God is so good. Today nothing much in work. Early morning got angpow from Boey, cute little Kitty angpow, then a request from Choong to take leave during May. I've been reluctant to release her for leave, we has some arguement and she almost cry- I've not been mean, she should able to understand the condition. Can't always demand own ways. She complaints that it's stressful working here, and she waana leave Pharmacy and prefer to transfer other department. Am really don't know how to handle such person. I don't want to say yes to her, even though I can allow her to take leave. Make it hard so tht people will not make use and take advantage of the leave. Bad eh?

Has been a while didn't write blog- just do so before logging off for another week. Am planning on the CDR Room- don't know that I got to be architect also for the requirement of the CDR for 2007. No experience, but trusting God and take slow step each step at a time, pray the Lord to guide me.

Yesterday attended Jon's CG- Mawar CG. There're quite a numbers in the Cell- Jon and Esthers, Pauline and Terry, Pr. Mei and Pr. Eddy, Pr. Samuel and Pricilla, Angeline and Becky (Phillipino), Loon, Uncle Andy and Desmond, Anthony (Indian guy). Who else I left out- yeah, Susie and Asley. Big group, such a strength and dynamic in the group, got family, couples, single. The worship was just great, accapella worship yet it's so full of the heart. It's so nice to sing without music, without any musical instrument. The Words shared was great. I'm so encouraged. The word is on Cahpter 6: The Ambassodors of Christ, taken from 2 Cor 5. The sharing initisally quite boring- more of theology and bible verses- then turn out to be very much practical and down to earth. 2 things that capture my attention. How are we Christian different fron the non-believers? How are we being as His Ambassodors in working place? There're so many good people around- so many very well manannered and good people around us, but what makes us stand out? To truly stand out as the light of the world? It's not just of doing good- coz everybody doing good nowadays. But it should be more, doing more good, exceedingly, higher standard. What others can't do and we do? What's so different?
Second- all our works should be compelled by love, overflow by love. That should be the fuel, by love. Others probably do good out of motives to get acceptance and approval by others, getting promotion or make ourselves feel good about it, or feel high. But what about us? Why do we continue want to strive giving the best, motivated by love, by what the Lord has done for us- because we had tasted that he is good. Are we tasting the goodness of God, or else how do we share the sweetness to the rest when we don't? So many Christians has been so comfortable, did not carry the light, or don't bother to share, because maybe we has long not tasted God, not enabling ourselves soak in His Word and Promises and in His love. If we don't be Ambassodors, who else? Who else can reach to the world? Oh God, such a standard- need His infilling- daily, let the cup be fulled and overflowing so that others will just see the goodness, the difference.

Pondering my life in working world, have I been faithful in His calling to be minister in working place? Have I been faithful, and taking the opportunity to love, to be Christlike? In the midst of the politics and the backbiting, where do I stand? Have I been different, standing in the gap to pray and to channel Hos love through me? O Lord, forgive me of my short-coming, that many times I shut my heart from those unlovable people, that I've compromise on the worldly standard and scheme and games played. Help me to stand out as light, Your Light, Your Armor, Your Ambassodors, to stand out- that people will see Christ in us. Amen!

Held by His Hands

HELD BY HIS HANDS

You and I are on a great climb. The wall is high, and the stakes are higher.

You took your first step the day you confessed Christ as the Son of God. He gave you his harness—the Holy Spirit. In your hands he placed a rope—his Word.

Your first steps were confident and strong, but with the journey came weariness, and with the height came fear. You lost your footing. You lost your focus. You lost your grip, and you fell. For a moment, which seemed like forever, you tumbled wildly. Out of control. Out of self-control. Disoriented. Dislodged. Falling.

But then the rope tightened, and the tumble ceased. You hung in the harness and found it to be strong. You grasped the rope and found it to be true. You looked at your guide and found Jesus securing your soul. With a sheepish confession, you smiled at him and he smiled at you, and the journey resumed.

Now you are wiser. You have learned to go slowly. You are careful. You are cautious, but you are also confident. You trust the rope. You rely on the harness. And though you can’t see your guide, you know him. You know he is strong. You know he is able to keep you from falling.And you know you are only a few more steps from the top. So whatever you do, don’t quit. Though your falls are great, his strength is greater. You will make it. You will see the summit. You will stand at the top.

And when you get there, the first thing you’ll do is join with all the others who have made the climb and sing this verse:

“To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen” (Jude 24 NIV).

Love - The Defination

Extracted from Celina's Blog- something to ponder through, what love can do....

When you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure.
but when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher.
in the game of love, it doesnt really matter who won or who lost.
whats important is you know when to hold on & when to let go.
you know you really love someone when you want him or her to be happy,
even if their happiness means that youre not part of it.

Everything happens for the best.
if the person you love doesnt love you back,
dont be afraid to love someone else again,
for youll never know unless you give it a try.
youll never love the person you love unless you risk for love.
love strives in hurting.
if you dont get hurt, you dont learn how to love.
love doesnt hurt you all the time.
though hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow.

Dont find love, let love find you.
thats why its called falling in love because you dont force yourself to
fall. you just fall....
you cannot finish a book without closing its chapters.
if you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress.
it is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering & growing.
we lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else
who can love us even more than we can love ourselves.
on falling out of love, take sometime to heal & then get back on the horse.
but dont ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time.

To love is to risk rejections,
to live is to risk dying,
to hope is to risk failure.
but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is risking nothing.
to reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose true self.
TO LOVE IS TO RISK NOT TO BE LOVED IN RETURN.

How to define LOVE:
Fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent,
Share & never be unfair, understand & not to demand,
Hurt but never keep the pain.

Love is like a knife.
it can stab the heart or it carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime.
love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling.
it should inspire you & give you joy & strength.
but sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end.
loving people means giving them the freedom who they choose to be & where they choose to be with.
for all the heartaches & the tears, for gloomy days & fruitless years,
you should give thanks, for you know, that there were the things that helped you grow.

Loving someone means giving him the freedom to find his way,
whether it leads towards you or away from you.
love is a painful risk to take but the risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful,
for only then youll experience the fullness of humanity & that is love.

Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire & tear you apart.
only love can make you cry & only love knows why.

When you decide to love, allow it to grow.
When you promise to love, refuse to let it die.

Heart of Flesh and Spirit

27th January 2006,

It's 1.46pm. Just now had branch with Marcus at OFA (Old Free-school Association). Had nice chat with him regarding family matter. It's CNY mood. People has been discussing on what's the planning for CNY and how much bonus they get from the consultants. Patient workload is alright, not so many patients. Myself had been slowing down- quite bored, don't know what to do. Wanna go back- later 4.30pm got to make a point to leave hospital sharp- if there's no issue. Or else will be expected jam.

For the past few nites have been going out, just don't wanna stay home. What a change. Waiting for sis to come back- then holidays- normal- Chinese New Year has always be quiet one. May it be a time of rest, to refreshed, to catch up with old friends, and family reunion. Talking about family- just now brother called. He want to borrow RM1000 from me. What should I be feeling? It's not the matter of money. He has not been contributing to family expenses and I did not say anything about it, and now he wanted to borrow from me, Chinese New Year- borrow from his sister. How should I be feeling? Well- think positive, not to sway to the other side. Maybe he needed help. Well, what can I do? Myself also has been very thrifty, with the expenses and car maintenance, mum's insurans payment, housing maintenance and tax. Talking about money- it's somehow a sensitive issue. I can break a family ties if not handle well. One thing I see, mum's heart was hurt- when brother don't really contribute to expenses. Who wants to calculate with him, never, we never talk about money. But brother does. Sad case.

What Marcus said quite true- probably I just do my part tht's all. Have done my duty and love to care and take care of mum. Marcus said- girls still alright, coz when they find someone, the hubby can contribute to the finance. But guys a bit difficult, coz their burden will be tight. True in one sense, wrong in another. That's why girl usually choose for more secure man, a man that they can trust, a man that's stable. Well planned and stable. That is more of worldly point of view. What about Christian's view? A Godly man, man of faith. yes, it's much desired. Once- yet now I'm not sure anymore. What's the criteria I placed for my future life partner? Thinking about it make me wonder am I really prepared for any relationship? Church saying- when you're completely passionate with God then the relationship will come. Don't chase after it, not rush. I'm not rushing. Yeah, discussion last night with Roland and Benji quite interesting. They had placed high value on Spiritual women, women faith, women after God's own heart. I used to think that if a man love God very much then will be alright, everything will able to fit in nicely. Now I actually re-think on the truth. It's just so subjective. Therefore I should placed it aside. Let me heart be singled- is it singled for Him? Have not come to that part- the matter now is for me to discover my position in Him again. The rest come secondary. Yet, it's much struggles, when you're alone, lonely..with the age catching up- women at such age sort of pressing red button. I can't say that I won't feel pressured, yet I can only wait and pray. Ps. Mei said one thing- to be vulnerable. To continue to feel and to love even though it's a risk and it's vulnerable. To be vulnerable,yet I asked God for wisdom- to be focused on His timing. The road seems unclear, yet I wanna trust Him, I have to trust Him- the Giver of all good things.

Prayer meet last week was good- Kasturi asked what's the prayer need? For myself I wanna pray for a heart of flesh and not a heart of stone (Ezekial 36- if I'm not mistaken) To put His Spirit in my heart- to have a heart of flesh and Spirit and not heart of stone. I need that transformation. That in my encounter woth others- in my relationship I will not placed and reason with my minds, or to expect or to label, yet to be myself- learning others strength and accepting others weakness. Help me Lord I prayed!

Chinese New Year...simplicity

24th January 2006,

It's 5.56pm and I'm still in the office. has been a while did not write my blog, got to just sit and take time scribble something before I leave. Yeah, the title: Chinese New Year. This year will be a normal plain and simple Chinese New Year, my 2nd year celebrating in Penang. Celina will be coming back this Fri nite. Brother will be coming over Sunnyville for dinner as well. Mum will be really busy preparing, but it'll still be simple one.

Yesterday on-leave, had good time, helpig mum doing ribbon kuih and popiah kuih. Test my patience, realise am really really not patience- this take a lot time and details. Gee, then after tht went for lunch with mum, go banking then go hospital. Every week mum will go physio, and praise God it has been well. She's doing alright,..but recently got some problem with skin- keep itchy. Getting really worried at times, seeing her condition. Yet praying. Breakthrough in family- tht's wht Celina shared the other day. Probably this should be the focus- to pray as family. When's the last time we actually prayed as family? I remember once- during dad's sickness. Then another time when See Kheong still with Celina, we prayed for journey mercy for one another. Now...I really can't think about when is the last time all the Christians in our family holding hands and prayed. Once- yeah, recently on the phone I prayed over Celina on her struggles. That's good- prayer strengthen ties. Unites the hearts. That's where it keeps the family going despite of struggles and different opinions- despite the arguement and throwing tantrums sometimes. Above all else, the love of God still wth family- love and care. That makes family institution special.

Yeah, talking about tht, it should apply to Christian brothers and sisters in church. How we manage conflicts and how we handle situation in times of disagreement. How do we wanna edify one another, and lift ones up rather than pushing on down. How we wanna exalt others higher, look into ones needs and not only own needs. That's the main purpose of church- and cells. Am reviewing my role in cell. Things has change, probably my heart has change. A simple childlike Shirley- now more of the cautious, a "don't mess with me" sort of Shirley. How could such drastic change? That's the discussion with Pr. sam the other day. Praise God- He understands well. He said- don't over worry as if you're having split personality. I told Pr. how I felt- the change in me, that need to dealt with before I can continue in serving or any Ministry. Pr word of exhortation is encouraging. He said- He still can see the soft part in me, even tho' how I tried to be 'mean' yet. there's still that care and softness in me that never change. What a nice word. Is it? Really? He asked me not to stop loving, because it's my nature to love. I will not forget what Pr. said. Yeah, not to give up doing good, continue to do good, never give up, so that in due season you shall see the fruits if you don't give up (Gal). Hmm.. the word of God is true, and straight. Tht's no cornering and no hiding. It's the truth and it can build or it can destroy. How am I taking the Word of God? And how am I living in the WOG.

Year of Covenant. I wonder what the Lord installed for me in such year. So wht's the choice? To live own way, or trust it to God, and follow Him- obedience to His Words, and drawing close to Him in every circumtances. How am I putting Him real in my life? A challange for breakthrough.

Forgiveness, start from the heart

19th January 2006,

8.57am Thurs morning. Last night we had prayer meeting. Pr. Mei shared about forgiveness, how true it is. I can identify with the sharing. It's not easy to forgive, forgive and forget- will it be possible for that to happen? I do remember sharing in EPCC website about Forgive and Forget, but right now when you faced it, then you can feel how hard is the message, how difficult to do it- yet it's still possible not with our human flesh but with God's grace and Spirit. It is so true that when we choose to cling on to the unforgiveness, it will break the bridge between us and God- not allowing what God has install in our lives to flow thru'. It's so true that when we choose to remember the hurts and bitterness, it's like tie string with the person, both in the same boat, both in prison- couldn't be freed from all the guilt, bitterness and hurts. It's so true. I choose to release the unforgiveness- if there's any of it, the Lord search my heart... search it deep in. Any conflicts, any disagreements, any hurts, any words, any lies instill by the enemy- all this shall be laid open and exposed. Allowing forgiveness to flow, allowing God's grace and mercy to flow in me.

Laying Down....

14th January 2006,

8.56am, Saturday morning in the office. Just finish generating PO. Gonna go for breakfast later. This morning prayer is good- Pr. shared on the Hosea 6: obedience better than sacrifice, and offerings. A new year 2006- Year of Covenant- Loving People Loving Man. How do we wanna go from here? How do we wanna allow God to mess up with our plans and agenda. Looking through the plans for 2006 I'm a little fearful- a lot of activities, how will the church members take it? Really pray for wisdom- to disseminate the information and purpose accordingly. I'm worried- yet, why should I, it's God's church, His temple, His people. Gonna trust Him on that, and do my part. How have I been doing my part?

Yesterday was great. Actually quite a lot people- Eugeen and Winnie, Lee Koh and Jasmine, Benji, Felix, Me and Mum. Actually we can start a Cell, but I'm just not prepared. But praise God things going good. We had round table dinner- spagetthi, KFC, mashed potatoes, sausages, red bean 'tong sui'. Char Bee hoon. Overall, we had good time of makaning. Then we proceed for Joyce Meyer's sermon. Not sure what's the title of the sermon- but I think "Divine Interuption" should be the one. I'm blessed by the sermon. It's just down to earth, have a high standard- God's standard of Love. It just speak forth on a few scenario that we're commonly faced- how's the testimony to the world. How to be a 'worldly' Christian. How to be a blessing- with of love life. A life-check on my love life. Got to stop here- gonna go for breakfast. Pray that the blog of questions will not just be a questions but a challenge for me to persue on life- to eternity, to His purpose.

A Broken Spirit and a Contrite Heart

12th January 2006,

8.45am, morning. Last night has been a released. I burst out in the midst of Prayer Meeting. Lee Lian shared on certain prayer items- Loving God, Loving People, about our theme for this year 2006- indeed God is doing something in regards to the theme. Very difficult to love people, with our own strength, with our own flesh. Personally my heart has been harden to love. We gather in group of 4. Pr. Mei prayed on love. The word strike my heart so strongly, it's my turn to pray. I prayed: Oh Lord teach us to love others- not with our strength, but channeling from above. But first of all, help us to love You "First". Without love- it's all meaningless, whtever we profess to do in Your Name...how can we serve You when we don't love.

Ro 12: 9 said
9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality. (NKJV)

I can't contained the tears but just break down. I wonder why I can so easily cry. How have I love God when I'm in conflict with His people, with my own fella-bro and sister in Christ. I realise deep in my heart there're so much of hurts and unforgiveness that really really need to dealth with. Or else- the result I'll be distant from others, I'll end up keeping myself close in order not to be hurt. Checking my heart, I asked the Lord to restore the live in my heart.

Pr. Mei spend time with me- her advice is true. I got to slowly release, and it's okie to release. No problem with crying, but the crying should be the yeilding to the Lord, to Him, and not of going down the pit of depression. The bursting of the heart burden to be with Him, and that's it. Not to take it back again. I got to deal with the unforgiveness, and to confront in love, to speak the truth in love as the Bible said. Or esle I will distant. But how? Pray! Pray! Come to Him with broken Spirit and Contrite heart. Ask the Lord for a tender heart, heart of flesh to love again, to care again.

Oh Father, forgive me for the reaction, that's fleshly. You know my heart Lord, You know my sitting down and my rising up, You are familiar with all my ways. Even before any words from my mouth, You already knew it. Search my heart Lord- if there's any offensive ways in me, any wicked ways in me. Lead me in the way everlasting. Lead me Lord, lead me I pray!

It's Hurts....How to heal the Wounds?

7th January 2006,

It's so hurting. It's like a deep sharp knive cut through my heart, not just cut through, but squeeze deep, rotating the knives deep within. Thought the wounds has healed, Has been 3 years, yet it's still bleeding, it's still so painful. Thought had been used to the pain, as if I've been slapped 100 times and left no more pain even to slap another few times. Thought I can't feel the pain anymore..thought it's going to be alright when not thinking about it, not facing it. Yet it's not true. The pain is so real....The Word is just so sharp- it's just so wrong, so untrue, so hurting.

It's morning. I fetched Angie to Sharon's house before go to work. Thought it will be great morning coz of the coming wedding. A lot things to prepare- yesterday Deco was up...today plan to take time off to go to wedding. Then it comes a mail from Kenneth- again, enough smses, thot without replying should be enough, yet he is just would let go. It's just so hurting with the mail, made me shed tears again? Why I cried? Don't need to cry- it has been so long- no need to be emotional about tht? Why you cry dear...??? He's just so sick, who can help? No one can help. I'm the victim again..tht is enough! 3 years plus, that's enough! The words is enough! How am I going to forgive? Lord, How to forgive? How to let the Word pass by me- and place it back to You. You who judge the acts. You know which is true which is not. You judge Your children. That's enough Lord! What are You teaching me here? My heart is just so broken- a friend? A friend? Can't describe it...can't contain it. It's just enough!

O Lord, I throw all this hurts to You- see, so much of it! So much! See all my tears- take it Lord, I don't wanna contain it. It's so tiring- I give it to You, set me free Lord, Set me free to love again, to smile again, to be openned again. Help me not to dwell in that circular motion of hurts. I let it go to You, guide my heart- give me a heart of wisdom. Amen!

Serving- Attitude outflow from the Heart

5th january 2006,

4.36pm. It's time to be back home. Stay here to write blog. Just had IM with Matthew in regards to ushering. We will be having meeting later at 7pm. Quite upset of the discussion. Has some disagreement with him regarding certain issue.

Checking my heart- how is my reaction on serving? It should be out from a heart of joy- as thanksgiving unto the Lord- freely give as best as can. But sometimes if we don't perform up to the expectation then how should tht be? Am I being offended? What about expectation? How am I offer my serving to Him? As of needs, as of love, joy in giving, as of obligation? How should be my response? Where is the passion of serving and giving your best to Him without considering how others said?

Maybe the matter not lies on Matthew, it's my heart attitude got to change. Why am I being calculative nowadays, and being very much selective and not easily commiting to help if any needs. Is it that all this while I've been serving out of obligation and it gets tired? I got to move on- serving, loving, giving- all the matter of the attitude of the heart. Who is God to you Shirley? Who are you serving in this ushering? Why do you get irritate by the expectation of others when He is the Lord of all that you serve? Got to get this right. How are you working with people of different temperament and accepting the strength and weakness of the indididual and work in unity? How are you responding to critic and offense? Positively. Yes, look up, the focus, the goal- the purpose. Wanna do it? Servant heart, submissive, and knowing doing your best- having the right attitude, right heart- and your service will be acceptable to Him.

Oh Lord! Forgive me if my service thus far has been limited, out from a heavy heart, out of obligation. From today on- guide my heart- a willingness to serve, serve with a servant heart- a joy, a submissive spirit. Teach me on servanthood, that it is You who First to come to serve, not to be served, but to serve others and give Your life as ransom for many. Teach me to die on my flesh, my pride- of wanting the receive, but to give, to give, with joy with gladness, as I give my heart to You dear Lord. Unite my heart in Your purpose, teach me regarding submission, unity and building others up rather than pulling others down. Give me a teachable Spirit I pray...a childlike faith as before. Willingness,...I seek You dear Lord. Help me to obey Your voice. Guide me Holy Spirit. In times when the heart rebel, guide me to be still and know that You are Lord- You are in control, You are the One and Only I serve, not man but You. Be a God pleaser and not man-pleaser...with this I pray, Amen!

Forgive and Forget

30th December 2005,

It's 12.38pm Lunch time in another 20 mins. Take the time to write the blog. I remember I shared in the EPCC Forum about forgive and forget, and now I am actually questioning the reality- whether is this really exist? Forgive and forget? In His Word, He remember our sins no more. God forgive and forget, completely wipe off our sins, can't remember anything else- how about us? How do we forgive and allow the reconcilation with our brother and sister in Christ, once hurt us?

This experience coming back again last night, It has been 3 years, I thought it's all done with, it's all over, but I can't believe it coming back again. Is it means I haven't forgive- checking deep my heart? How can I react over such matter? What happen?

Last night was in ex-House. Had dinner with Felix and Helena, then invited Andrew to come over our home for fellowship. There come a call- it work out well, I try to tone down my voice, be cool and answer the phone- but he keep on digging back the past, keep on torturing me with what I've done to him which I did not, keep on never endingly wants me to answer to where we can take this friendship level to? What do you mean? Friendship, acquaintance level? Yes, I did not denied that we once a friend, once acquintance...but now, I don't know how to take that level? I forgive- and that's it, I forgive..all the hurts, I forgive, yet he never wanna let me go. Have I forgiven? I'm so deepenly sad, he made me shed tears again- a punching bag. Teach me how to react? Felix said you should just go on with life, put your feet down, not emotionally shaken by this- not worth. I know, but I can't help to be sad. I'm scared. That night, I received 2 smses from him. I knew it will not be good one, and indeed so. This morning I received another 2 smses- make up to 4 smses, all cursing me, hurting me. Sad case- I'm not angry, am I hurt, of coz...but I just so sad- pitiful that such a man that claimed to knew God's Word strongly can react this way to the fella believers- no many negatives things. I got to be mean- I don't want to, but here I got to be firm...

Lord teach me what to do? I forgive him as You have forgiven me, but I can't love him as You loved me. You send people to love him and help him- I can't Lord. I don't know why this can just drag on till 3 years. it's so tiring- the friendship once shared now so tiring. Teach me in such situation- guide my heart, I need Your wisdom- only You counsel I seek. I can't pray for him Lord- I just couldn't Lord- hope You understand. I remember him and trust it to You. Now the problems is not longer mine- It's Yours, and I trust You will handle it, You will take care of it. I refuse to feel guilty and angry, I let go all the hurts and unforgiveness- it's all in Your hands. Lord, take it, and heal my heart- any bitterness, hurts, heal, and it's health, In Jesus's Name. I'm freed from all emotional entanglement. Amen!